69 Items to Which I Made Love to Myself in High School
To provide proper context for the following, please note that my high school experience dates from September 1982 to June 1986.
Those were good years to be young and horny in New York City … if you were anyone but me.
On top of that, this list only covers April 1993 to my ’86 graduation because, compounding just how cool I was, God made sure I arrived late to the puberty party.
1. Benny Hill. The show, not the man.
2. Mackenzie Phillips on the sitcom One Day at a Time. Not only did she frequently suffer pregnancy scares, I suspected she had knobby nipples.
3. The Cars‘ Candy-O album cover.
4. Penthouse magazine’s epic production of Caligula. Especially Teresa Ann Savoy, who plays Drusilla, the Emperor’s sister/wife. Her blonde pubic mound looks like a hay-bale. Years later, I got a Caligula tattoo.
5. Ads in the newspaper for movies that played at theaters like the Pussycat.
6. The mere existence of Pussycat Theaters. I got a tattoo honoring that, too.
7. The skinny, flat-chested rich girl teaching the curvy, biggidy-boobedy rich girl how to orgasm in the Chuck-Vincent-directed movie Preppies. The obsession with that specific female dairy dichotomy has defined every moment of my existence ever since.
8. Taking the A-minus-cup versus Triple-Z-cup fixation to its most extreme possible ends (or, actually, fronts): Mink Stole and Jean Hill’s out-of-nowhere Sapphic love scene in Desperate Living. I have a tattoo of Divine, which counts as an overall homage to John Watersville.
9. All the Emmanuelle and Behind the Green Door stills in the biblically important opus Cult Movies by Danny Peary.
10. Heavy Metal. The magazine and the movie, not the music, although some of the KISS Girls in the foreground on the Love Gun cover got me going at least once.
11. National Lampoon Foto Funnies.
13. Reminiscences of the chick who played Janet in the 1978 live cast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show sitting in my lap and then flashing her boobs onstage at the 8th Street Playhouse right after I turned 10.
14. The opening credits of Who’s the Boss, where grandma Mona leans back on the couch and stretches her arms out around Tony and Angela and her massive-but-firm grandma melons jiggle and joggle all over her chest.
15. Hardcore, the George C. Scott-Season Hubley meisterwürk, and hardcore, the entire movie genre.
16. Carol Wayne in Playboy. This chesty blonde had been Johnny Carson’s Tea Time Movie Girl and, while the pictures were stunning unto themselves, it was the detail that she had a 14-year-old son at the time she posed that sent me into a basement toilet stall at Xavier High School. I was 14 myself at the time, and I pretended I came home from Malibu High and … you can paint the rest of that delicious picture.
17. A photo essay on the R-rated sorority H.O.T.S. that ran in a porn mag (I think it was Adam Film World or Cinema Blue or Erotic X-Film Guide) that otherwise covered hardcore theatrical releases. The specific shot was a topless huddle during an all-girl football team.
18. Any porn video, TV movie and/or game show with TABOO in the title.
19. Mere knowledge of the existence of a X-rated titled Teenage Twins, the tagline of which was: “Incest is best! Keep it in the nest!”
20. The luminous young starlet Kelly Nichols taking a bath in the splatter movie, The Toolbox Murders. First, because she was naked. Second, because I somehow construed her character to be lesbian. Third, because I found out she was a hardcore porn star whom I was sure had done some lesbian scenes.
21. The entire post-Exorcist canon of Linda Blair: from Born Innocent and Sweet Hostage to Chained Heat and Savage Streets. And that includes Hell Night!
22. The crotch close-up on the frightened lass wetting her pants in Pieces.
23. The top of Diane Franklin’s lap-afro at the abortion clinic in The Last American Virgin.
24. Summer Lovers with Daryl Hannah in a threesome on a Greek island. This was the second VHS tape I ever rented. The first was Caveman with Ringo Starr.
25. The first pregnant chick in a bikini I ever saw. She was in a fashion spread in The Village Voice.
26. Every pregnant chick in a bikini I ever saw after that. Still.
27. The ultra-grossout movie Bloodsucking Freaks starring Louie De Jesus as the evil little person Ralphus. Louie was also part of Parliament Funkadelic’s stage show, and had hardcore sex with Vanessa Del Rio - “The Latin from Manhattan” - in an 8mm loop titled The Anal Dwarf.
29. Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Shieks.
30. Ilsa, the Wicked Warden.
[Note: Ilsa the Tigress of Siberia is not included here because it was hard to find in Brooklyn, and I didn’t see it until much later, like 1995 or some ridiculous date]
31. Breast-feeding. Still.
32. Twin sisters Liz and Jean Sagal hugging on the sitcom Double Trouble.
33. Kitten Natividad.
34. Any and all other women ever associated with Russ Meyer.
35. Mariel Hemingway’s Playboy layout promoting the lesbian sports film, Personal Best.
36. Mariel Hemingway lezzing it up with Patrice Charbonneau in Personal Best.
37. Mariel Hemingway’s Playboy layout promoting the murdered Playboy Playmate biopic, STAR 80.
38. Mariel Hemingway in STAR 80.
39. Concave-chested tomboy porn star Sharon Mitchell.
40. Volcano-breasted redhead porn star Lisa DeLeeuw. I can even pinpoint some of her specific boob freckles.
41. Angelically beautiful blonde space-case Cheryl Smith in Lemora the Lady Dracula.
42. Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith in The Swinging Cheeleaders, and everything else, especially once I figured out that those boobs belonged the same chick from Lemora the Lady Dracula.
43. The Leonard Report, an adult industry talk show starring adult industry performer Gloria Leonard on Wometco Home Theater (which my parents wouldn’t pay for, but which I could tune in okay enough on a 12-inch black-and-white Zenith in my bedroom).
44. Prostitutes in Times Square.
45. Just … prostitutes.
46. Chesty Morgan.
47. Deposed Miss America Vanessa Williams in Penthouse.
48. Traci Lords in the centerfold of the Vanessa Williams Penthouse issue.
49. Whoever the two lesbians were in the Vanessa Williams Penthouse issue.
50. Every Traci Lords movie made before she was 18 (hey, I was under 18 too. Heaven help us all if there’s such thing as statutory masturbation).
51. Elvira. That is, Cassandra Peterson as the busty horror movie hostess, not the Oak Ridge Boys song.
52. Jobeth Williams – the mom from Poltergeist - running past Crispin Glover down a school hallway topless in the movie Teachers. Who cared if my buddy said her tits looked “dehydrated”?
53. The film title: Deep Inside Annie Sprinkle.
54. Nastassja Kinski’s panther-pelt pubes in Cat People.
55. Madonna’s “Borderline” video, particularly when she holds the beach ball above her head, and her mighty Italian bosom swells, and I don’t even care that she’s wearing an 1890s Coney Island bathing-beauty cap.
56. Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach” video, particularly when she arches her back and her right boob pops all the way out. You can look it up!
57. Madonna naked in Playboy.
58. Madonna naked in Penthouse.
59. Madonna naked in a picture in The New York Post accompanying a story about how Madonna was going to be naked in Playboy and Penthouse.
60. Madonna’s hairy armpits.
61. Every hairy female armpit I ever saw after that. Still.
62. The publicity still of Marie Liljedahl being bathed by her aunt in The Psychotronic Encyclopedia of Film by Michael Weldon from the Marquis De Sade movie Eugenie … The Story of Her Journey Into Perversion.
63. The character Gwendolyn Pierce on Charles in Charge. Later, I (seemingly incorrectly) construed from the GLOBE tabloid that the actress who played her was Kristy McNichols’ real-life lesbian lover. That led to further chafing and scabbing.
64. Meredith Baxter’s pregnant boobs on Family Ties.
65. Joyce Hyser’s open prom-tux reveal at the end of Just One of the Guys.
66. Foxy mama Loni Anderson as Jennifer Marlowe not wearing a bra on WKRP in Cincinnati.
67. Classy lady Jan Smithers as Bailey Quarters looking like she didn’t need a bra on WKRP in Cincinnati.
68. Four of the Eight Is Enough girls.
69. A bunch of broads whose names you don’t know because they lived near me in Brooklyn and they never became famous. And one of them was a nun.
***
A version of this story originally appeared at MrSkin.com. Thank you to Dan Gleason and Quimby’s Books for prompting me to pump it up anew, so to speak.
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Comments ( 12 )
[...] CPO Sinkhole, ex-Gays in the Military keyboard maven and Chicago’s supreme psychedelic noise-monger, contacted your humble editor in response to my piece 69 Items to Which I Made Love to Myself in High School. [...]
McBeardo’s Midnight Movies » CPO Sinkhole: More Hot Hands-On High-School Action! added these pithy words on Jun 08 09 at 1:47 pm[...] into the spunk-basted porcelain for maximum volume fire-hose sound-effect as if to announce: “I pull my pud in the 25-cents-per-40-seconds privacy of Times Square peep booths, thank you; just pissing [...]
McBeardo’s Midnight Movies » Strange Things Happen in Public Men’s Rooms: Part One added these pithy words on Sep 23 09 at 2:12 pm[...] the boobs, of which there are more than any other 1979 effort this side of Caligula, there’s a circus seal, a brown bear enjoying an above-ground pool (for hilariously way too [...]
McBeardo’s Midnight Movies » Year of Our Exploitation 1979, Part 4: H.O.T.S., THE LEGACY, LUNA, MEATBALLS, MR. MIKE’S MONDO VIDEO added these pithy words on Oct 13 09 at 6:22 pmThe version at the Quimby’s reading is my fave to date.
You are and always will be my most admired nostalgic pop humorist. Masturbation-focused and otherwise.
Penny Fine said at
May 26 09 at
1:59 pm
I actually don’t remember much about high school (too depressed, not too chemically impaired), but my first, and still vivid, wanking inspirations were as follows:
1. The bound and wiggling hands and feet of a nude victim in one of the Corman/Vincent Price movies. I do not remember if it was Pit and the Pendulum, or House of Wax. it may have been both.
2. Jessica Lange in King Kong being fondled by the humongous finger of the monster.
3. The washcloth vignette in Judy Blume’s “Deenie.”
4. The “good parts” in Judith Kranz’s “Scruples.”
5. The cunnilingus vignette in the book “Eye of the Needle”
6. Frank Langella’s Dracula
7. Michael Nouri’s tv show Dracula (ouch)
8. Erin Grey in that tight satin jumpsuit in Buck Rogers in the 25th Century (my only fan fiction was about that jumpsuit, essentially)
9. My dad’s Playboys, which he kept in piles on the back of the toilet in his bathroom. I don’t remember any one particular spread, but I am convinced that this early exposure to the eroticisation of the female form, with no corresponding exposure to pix of naked dudes, accounts for my “heteroflexibility,” at least when it comes to my mental landscape. I would argue the same across the American female-under-50 culture at large.OK, I’ve revealed enough embarrassing facts for one morning…
Stacey E said at
May 27 09 at
9:35 am
Oh, and I should add re no. 38, my father took me to see Star 80 in that golden “mom kicked dad out so I get to see movies every weekend” phase. Natually, he’d tell mom he was taking us to see the Apple Dumpling Gang or some such, but we’d end up at a movie HE wanted to see. He had great taste in movies…great adult male taste in movies. Star 80 scarred me deeply, to the point that I actually had a recovered-memory PTSD thingy involving that awful final scene when I was 30. Yuck.
Stacey E said at
May 27 09 at
10:19 am
I could give you a 75-item list. Instead, I’ll just say that Stacey’s Apple Dumpling Gang reference made me laugh. A lot.
Corky Curtiss said at
May 27 09 at
3:04 pm
The Vincent Price movie, I am certain, was the climax of HOUSE OF WAX.
mcbeardo said at
May 27 09 at
3:05 pm
Mr Curtiss:
I’ll take that list and I’ll add photos and cool links to it! Send it over!
mcbeardo said at
May 27 09 at
3:10 pm
What about the nude (and not-so-nude) photos of the Manson Girls? Did a number on me.
But my first true love was some Swedish chick in a Pippi Longstocking movie.
brainpang said at
May 28 09 at
12:08 pm
Squeaky Fromme (and a pal) topless in TIME magazine shortly afte she attempting to off President Ford sent me to seven-year-old boner heaven. I had moved on by high school, but then came back around to Mansonmania later.
Pippi bears skinvestigation.
mcbeardo said at
May 28 09 at
3:34 pm
