Spew Confessions: More Hot Hands-On High-School Action!

Friends, Onan, Countrymen:

CPO Sinkhole, ex-Gays in the Military keyboard maven and Chicago’s supreme psychedelic noise-monger, contacted your humble editor in response to my piece 69 Items to Which I Made Love to Myself in High School.

What follows is his own 24. Dig hard the CPO’s double-dozen.

–McB

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24 Items to Which I Made Love to Myself in High School
by CPO Sinkhole

Prologue: First time “making it work.” I was homicidally horny, staying over at my dad’s place one weekend, still too young to quite understand (or be aware of) pulling the pud.

I spent, and this is no exaggeration, NINETY MINUTES in the bathroom, naked, throbbing boner, just kind of posing in the mirror, lookin’ at it, strutting around, checking out my balls, trying to make something happen.

A knock came on the door every ten minutes from my dad. I told him my tummy hurt, I was fine. Finally got to pushups, noticed something going on down there, finally figuring out that hey, I got this right hand, and it seems to be able…to….NO! NO! NO!

Lutheran upbringing stops me, and I squeeze Old Man River so hard, I’m surprised blood didn’t shoot out of it. One of the few times in my life where I’ve successfully stemmed the rising tide.

Next week, same thing, only 10 minutes of prancing around in the bathroom before I go “there.” Boom, awesome. Crazy guilt. Oh my god, Hell Hell Hell, Hell for me and everyone I know. Freak out the whole weekend.

I come home to my mom’s house at the end of the weekend, and RUN to Preparing for Adolescence by James Dobson (!), a book my mom has bought for me and INSISTS that I read.

I’d given it a pass until now, because the word “Adolescence” creeps me out, and because I suspect I’m not going to want to hear what it’s got to say.

Anyway, now, my burning Lutheran mind runs to it and tears off into the section on masturbation. The line was something like “while not technically a sin, the act of masturbation should be discouraged because it promotes…” blah blah blah.

IT’S NOT A SIN!!!! FLOODGATES ARE OFFICIALLY OPEN!!

A “greatest hits” reel, if you will:

1. The episode of Mork & Mindy where Mork is abducted by the sexy aliens. The main alien, as I now realize, was crazy sexy and busty, and looked great in her one-piece suit, but I wasn’t interested in that.

At a key point, when Mork’s about to be “tortured” by the sexy aliens (I think by fondling and snoogling him until he can take no more), the lead sexy alien gives the signal, and her two alien cohorts throw off their covering capes, only to see that beneath them, they are…TAH DAH! Wearing TWO PIECE BATHING SUITS! With BARE MIDRIFFS! Prejudiced me in favor of two-piece suits for years to come.

2. Going through a Candid Camera phase, renting all the “clean” ones with my folks, then asking to rent a Candid Camera with my dad, and going through this whole convoluted game at the video store where I swapped the “clean” and “nude” ones, showing my dad which one I wanted to rent, and taking the “nude” one home.

Watching it after he goes to bed, then, to cover it up the next day, telling him “someone must’ve mis-filed this one, it had naked people in it, so I didn’t watch it!”

3. Numerous moments from the 1980 big-screen Maxwell Smart vehicle, The Nude Bomb. Mostly, the idea OF a “Nude Bomb.” Still kind of wishing for a “nude bomb” someday.

4. JC Penny catalog, bra section, and also bathrobe section. The latter didn’t show much, but it was easy to imagine that “they’re not wearing anything underneath that!”

5. Mom’s Cosmo magazines

6. The day before I started fifth grade, my cousin and I discovered that my dad had a legendary stash of Playboy mags in his closet.

We weren’t allowed in his bedroom, but because of the way his apartment was set up, you could get in there if he was sitting on the couch in the front room, and he wouldn’t be able to see you.

My cousin and I took turns, telling my dad long, boring stories, telling complicated jokes, and in one particularly strange moment, making up a song about the Little Rascals! I still remember one of the lines: “Here comes Buckwheat/he’s running down the street/who’s he going after/who’s he gonna meet?”

While the diversion was being had, the other would swipe 5-7 issues, run off into my room, then the other would join and shut the door.

After paging through them, the other would nonchalantly cause a diversion while the other slipped back in, replaced them, and grabbed another stack. Went on ALL afternoon, until I got cocky and tried to grab one more stash while my cousin was in the bathroom.

Busted, red-handed.

Dad was obviously not going to tell my mom when he takes me back home (since she’d accuse him of having smut available where innocent minds could see it), but I didn’t know that.

Spent the night in a panic, telling my mom it was “just nerves about starting fifth grade.” Plenty of “stored up” material from that day for months to come.

7. Bald chick from Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Bald chicks still work, but it’s gotta be BALD bald, not stubbly.

8. Agreed on National Lampoon Foto Funnies. There was a used book store I used to go to in junior high/high school that sold old National Lampoons (and Playboys!), which I’d swipe from the shelves, and take to other, less populated, sections of the store. Actually pulled it in the aisle where the kept the comedy LPs! Crusty shag carpeting. Mea culpa.

9. Monty Python episode where Carol Cleveland, clad scantily, frolics and squirms all over a desk, while the voice of Graham Chapman is overdubbed, making it sound like she’s talking about economics. Also contains a sped-up (a la Clockwork Orange) striptease by same which was easily slowed down with VCR technology. Sorta…the process made it all blurry (see “Scrambled Playboy Channel” , a category all unto itself).

10. The Grateful Dead Family Album book. I wasn’t much of a Deadhead at the time, but I happened to find this book in the library, and, lo and behold, it had a picture of a real-life NAKED LADY in it. Granted, she’s sitting next to a real-life naked Ron “Pigpen” McKernan, but somehow, I was able to airbrush that out of the fantasy.

11. Misc. photography books in my local library, section “Nude Photography.” I especially remember one that had a lesson about “contorting the body artistically.”

It showed an astonishingly busty female torso shot two ways, one in a straightforward frontal show, and then again, with the torso twisted on its axis a bit to make the curves/lines a bit more pronounced.

I didn’t know from art, but it made the tits seem bigger, and gave the whole thing this kind of twisted/contorted thing that was just so…damn….kinky.

12. Janis Joplin nude in the Rolling Stone 20th anniversary special issue, which I got for free with my first subscription to that truly bestial magazine. (The special issue later became a holding place for the various pages of Playboy/Penthouse/Easyriders pics that I ripped out of mags at the local Waldenbooks and brought home in my pants pocket.) Nothing specific about Ms. Joplin really did it for me, just that nudity was hard to come by back then.

13. Addendum to above point: receiving the first of RS’s annual “HOT Issue”s in the mail while sick with flu. Mom getting the mail, seeing the cover (nearly-nude Lisa Bonet), telling me she thought it was inappropriate, going through the whole thing, tearing our the pics she thought I shouldn’t see. So, #13 would be pulling it to the idea of what those photos probably looked like, and…

14. Going to the library, finding an unmolested copy of same magazine, and pulling it to what those photos ACTUALLY looked like, especially the huge-breasted, Amazonian-thighed visage of Brigitte Nielsen.

15. Spencer Gifts catalog, pages with nude playing cards/glasses with bikini chicks where bikinis would come off if you added ice/etc. Still wish I had a set of those.

16. Blooper clip that was oft-showed during the TV show TV’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes involving, Soupy Sales from back in the days of live television (B&W).

The one where Soupy opens the door, and there’s a stripper on the other side. You only saw her leg kicking out (it was a side shot, so you couldn’t see through the door), but for one shot, there was a front-forward shot through the door. It was always blurred out, but I used my imagination.

17. The movie 10, where Dudley Moore is caught watching the couple have sex through binoculars. She waves at him while riding the dude. I apparently didn’t know how female-on-top sex worked (or ANY sex, really), because I remember telling my friends at school that this crazy thing happened in this movie: “She was rubbing her pussy all over his stomach, back and forth!” Uh, yeah.

18. A friend had rented some film (McBeardo, you might know which one I’m talking about by the description), one of those Hot Dog type films set at a ski resort. There was this scene where there’s a big party going on in one room, everbody’s frugging to some sort of new wave music (include a spazzy Asian stereotype who’s got a Hawaiian shit and dark glasses on), then it cuts to the hero and his best gal in a darkened room nearby.

She’s naked, on top of him in bed, and all my friends insisted that you could see the moment where she “put it in.” Possibly for real. There’s that half second where she “adjusts” in a way that doesn’t look like acting.

They rewound it about 20 times to try to get a glimpse. I rewound it in my mind at least another 20 more. (This happened after 17. above, once I figured out what would cause a woman to “rub her pussy on a guy’s stomach.”)

19. 2 Live Crew’s “Me So Horny” video. It was on CONSTANTLY on local “pay to request’ video channel, didn’t need to tape it or anything.

20. The promo for the film Looker, (I still haven’t seen the movie) which shows a computer screen analyzing a rotating, prone nude woman.

21. The Wildest Office Party. McBeardo knows about this, cuz I gave him a copy for Christmas one year, but for the benefit of others: this was some weird program that ran on Showtime or something several times in the mid-’80s.

It was made up to look sort of like a corporate office party, folks sitting at tables, a stage, fake “office” props. Bad stand-up comic comes out, cracks some shit-awful jokes, then…surprise! Starts introducing strippers.

I guess my dad had Showtime at the time, or maybe I just watched it scrambled, I can’t remember. Either way, it was mostly above-the-waist stuff, except for two gals: one keeps flashing her pubes when they guys ask her to, acting all shy about it.

The other, a very lanky-legged “mysterious” type, dropping trou for about two seconds amidst a slinky dance that just about put me in traction. Later rented the film (it was rated “R”, and the sort of thing my local video rental folks didn’t care who rented) and rewound that section until I had to go in for palm transplant sugery.

22. Turning 18, knowing that I was now able to rent “adult” films, but somehow thinking that XXX rated films were somehow like a drinking-age thing, and I couldn’t go “behind the door” until age 21!

Renting Playboy’s Wet and Wild 3, trembling, palms sweating, looking like a maniac. As mentioned above, nudity was still kind of at a premium in a bumfuck town in the middle of Michigan, so even this was still the most head-shattering thing I’d ever seen.

Oh my God, it’s women…like, THIRTY of them! And they’re all NAKED! AHHH!! (It took another six months before I went “behind the door”)

23. Just before leaving for college, I went to my first strip club, a Deja Vu. A porn “celebrity” happened to be in that day, the huge-chested Honey Moons.

She was blonde at the time, and still pretty shapely, though she’d later dye her hair black and apparently take up competitive tart eating or something.

Anyway, I got a Polaroid taken of us! I’m holding onto one of her gigantic fake/pierced boobs (oh goober from mid-Michigan, your mind has been blown again), literally making a fist underneath it to hold it up at her insistence (”otherwise you can’t see the nipple!”), she grabbing my dick through my pants.

Signing the photo “I luv your hard cock!” Polaroid of me with my first of many ill-advised scrubby mustaches and overly-long spiky hair, acne, etc.

24. The Movie Taking It All Off, which showed up during one of those “free Cinemax weekend!” type deals on our cable box. Starring, yes, Kitten Natividad.

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