The Top 100 Cult Movie Nude Scenes of All Time: #70-61

Celebrating the bare and the beautiful from movies weird, wondrous, and beloved by wackos.

Numbers 70 to 61.

Ursula Andress! Lina Romay! Brigitte Bardot! Jane Birkin! Brigitte Lahaie!

Mix those larger-than-lust Euro-beauties in with outrageous John Waters lesbianism, Selwyn Harris-scripted softcore, a cheerleader who forgot her panties, and you’ve got (almost) all the ingredients for our next ten naked cult film knockouts.

Inspired, as always, by Mr. Skin’s Top 100 Celebrity Nude Scenes of All Time, the clothes come off as the countdown continues (I really dig my little Casey Kasem homage there, don’t you?)

Number 70
Ursula Andress
The Sensuous Nurse (1975)
(0:01)
Ursula opens the movie by opening her robe and diving into a pool completely nude, pointing her pubes straight at the camera during her lilting skinny-dip.

• Ursula’s nurse character is lethally sensual: she aims to seduce an old millionaire, get in his will, and then knock him dead – literally – with the power of her bare body and her prowess in the sack.

Madonna’s Body of Evidence (1993) uses this identical “killer pussy” plot, but here it’s milked (properly) for laughs.

Anna Nicole Smith, of course, played this out on the screen of reality. At least for a little while.

• At the 49-minute mark, Anna sneaks nude into bed with her employer’s (young) teenage son, when she thinks junior might be wise to her scheme.

The lame lad freaks out and leaps up from the sheets, but it’s a sexy scene on par with similar older-nympho moments involving Sylvia Kristel in Private Lessons (1981) and Carol Laure in Get Out Your Handkerchiefs (1978).

• The Sensuous Nurse was a staple of first-generation video stores in the (very) early 1980s, along with Le Sex Shoppe (1973), Camille 2000 (1969), and the odd Laura Gemser Emanuelle title. And I’m talking way early, like when such places didn’t even have a proper porno section. Yet.

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Number 69
Wendy Schumacher, Jenteal, Taylor Hayes, Jacqueline Lovell
Animal Instincts III (1995)
(1:01)
Softcore siren Wendy Schumacher and hardcore porn minx Jenteal (who was 18 at the time) hop in the tub with a lucky schmuck who’s pretending to be blind. To get there, they have to step over hilariously too-hot cleaning ladies Taylor Hayes and Jacqueline Lovell. Naked lesbian lovemaking breaks out all over the bathroom.

• I wrote this scene. Me. McBeardo. Your friend. Your lover. The meaning in your life. Your inspiration. Your curse. In fact, under my classic pen(is) name Selwyn Harris, I wrote the entirety of Animal Instincts III: The Seductress. Me. McBeardo. The screenwriter. Number one!

It’s the only R-rated film I ever scripted that got produced and, except for some gut-busting Ed-Wood-esque moments, it ranks among the worst things – and I mean all things, not just movies – upon which you will ever lay eyes.

This movie came around the middle of my semi-fruitful collaboration with filmmaker Gregory Dark.

He was once (in)famous as the creative half of the 1980s’ X-rated avant-garde combo The Dark Brothers, then Greg became the premiere music video director of the late 1990s (Greg’s MTV-clip roster includes Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson, N’Sync, all the Sublime videos after the guy died, and The Melvins). Now he makes horror flicks.

Of the four hardcore porn scripts I concocted for Greg, one came out great: Devil in Miss Jones 5: The Inferno (1995). What interesting moments exist in the others – Sex Freaks (1995), Flesh (1995), and Snake Pit (1996, I think) – are cries for help, emanating expressly from the screenwriter, echoing out to an audience that was actively fast-forwarding past them (and rightly so).

Showtime aired AI3 seemingly every night after 10pm throughout 1996 and 1997, and I’d watch with a mixture of pride and agony. If I had friends over, I’d dive under the couch in mortification, especially after Jenteal reveals her character’s name to be: “Lolly … Pop?”

• The level of dedication to my craft is evident in the fact that the lead character in the first two Animal Instincts movies is named Joanna Cole (and is played by wondrously natural-knockered Shannon Whirry), while for this third go-round, her name has inexplicably become Joanna Coles.

To hammer home my flub, AI3 repeatedly showcases a book cover with this incorrect name spelled out on it

• For all of Animal Instincts III’s racism, misogyny, and impotent rage – as well as all the bad stuff – the ladies do deliver the goods in this double-dipping bathtub chow-down.

The B-movie babes look to actually go past the point of professionalism with tongue-sucking moments that drip with credibility.

They were perhaps ignited by the presence of skinny, pretty Jenteal, who was actively swallowing jizz and getting anally cocked on camera as a hardcore star at the time and who was, it can never be pointed out enough, actually just 18 when we were filming.

I know because I saw the photocopy of her Driver’s License, and I jerked off to it. And on to it.

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Number 68
Lina Romay
Female Vampire (1973)
(1:37)
Goth goddess Lina potrays a blood-bathing countess, and her we see her splashing around in a tub full of plasma, treating us to repeated up-close ganders of the place where her own menses comes out.

• Lina Romay is the long-time live-in love and movie muse of relentlessly prolific Female Vampire director Jesus Franco.

• Of the 22 films in which Lina has appeared nude, 18 were helmed by Franco. The exceptions are Angel of Death 2 (2007), The Plumber, The Wife, and Other Things He Plunged Into (1981), Rolls-Royce Baby (1975), and Frauengefängnis (1975).

• Female Vampire puts an odd spin on the familiar legend of Countess Elizabeth Bathory, who was said to have bathed in the blood of female virgins as part of a quest for eternal youth.

Here, Lina’s Countess Irina Karlstein wallows in male red-stuff, but she does suck on the pink parts of co-star Monica Swinn and other ladies in some scorching lesbian action.

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Number 67
Suzanna Hamilton
1984 (1984)
(0:52)

Big Brother gets an eyeful of Big Muffer, as gloriously hairy-crotched Suzanna walks about her apartment sans a stitch of clothing. Her delectably British body is as little and adorable as her jet-black pubic mountain overpowering and inviting.

• Mr. Skin himself has named Suzanna’s lush lap-’fro as “the hairiest bush in the history of the movies” and I can only concur. One-handedly, of course.

• Devotees of hirsute hotties should also keep their peepers peeled for Suzanna’s unshaven armpits.

• Suzanna first introduced the world to her wondrously abundant beaver pelt in Brimstone & Treacle (1982).

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Number 66
Michelle Drake
The Hollywood Knights (1980)
(0:28)
Cheerleader Michelle runs through her routine, pumping up the pep of the student body assembled in a gymnasium, particularly when she reveals that she forgot to wear panties under her high-flying skirt.

• This bare-bottomed booster scene is an unacknowledged recreation of the legendary cover of National Lampoon’s 1964 High School Yearbook Parody.

• Hollywood Knights also features nude boobies from remarkably top-heavy, topless-sunbathing pom-pom girls Dawn Clark and Kim Hopkins. Those are some shakers!

• Although the cast includes Michelle Pfeiffer, Tony Danza, and Fran Drescher, what’s most remarkable is that Hollywood Knights made Robert Wuhl seem cool for a while.

Wuhl plays master prankster Newbomb Turk (who I have long suspected was inspired by The Mad Shitter, again, of the Lampoon Yearbook Parody), and his assembly performance of “Volare”, punctuated by repeatedly farting into a microphone, remains one of the greatest of all teen sex comedy capers.

But then came a shitty ’90s indie rock combo called The New Bomb Turks to sort of soil the memory, followed by Wuhl himself finishing the job by achieving new standards of douche-water lameness via HBO’s Arli$$.

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Number 65
Brigitte Bardot
Ms. Don Juan (1973)
(0:59)

The big one with the big two (one of whom has an extremely little two): Brigitte Bardot beds Jane Birkin for light, lilting lesbianism that might figure as an infuriating tease if the figures at hand were not the two premier European cinematic sex goddesses of the 1960s.

• Ms. Don Juan is a trippy fantasy in which Brigitte Bardot portrays the reincarnation of the titular legendary lothario. It was directed by swinging Frenchman Roger Vadim, who remains best known for making Brigitte an international superstar in And God Created Woman (1956). Vadim and Bardot were also married for a time.

• Vadim’s other ex-lovers and on-screen muses were Jane Fonda, who he directed in Barbarella (1968) and Catherine Deneuve, who starred in his Château en Suède (1963).

The use of Jane Birkin here, who famously served in the same capacity for Vadim’s fellow countryman Serge Gainsbourg, makes for an interesting touch.

• In 1980, Vadim attempted to ignite one more sexbomb in the form of Cindy Pickett, who plays the lead in his amazingly limp sexual psychodrama Night Games (1980).

The final result was an even bigger bomb that his own remake of And God Created Woman with Rebecca DeMornay as a rock star in 1988.

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Number 64
Mink Stole and Jean Hill
Desperate Living (1977)
(0:46)
En route to Mortville, the worst town on earth, skinny-minnie Mink Stole, as surbuban hysteric Peggy Gravel, finds herself naked and in sudden, inescapably passionate embrace with Grizelda Brown, her whole-lotta-housekeeper played by (the also nude) 400-pound African-American eyeful Jean Hill.

• Mink Stole is one of the original members of John Waters’ Dreamland Players and, since her 1966 debut in Roman Candles, she has appeared in every one of the crackpot filmmaker’s productions, all the way up to the NC-17-rated A Dirty Shame (1974).

• After Desperate Living, Jean Hill posed in the buff for novelty calendars and greeting cards that became best-sellers in joke outlets and head shops for the next two decades.

• In 1991, under the name Nancy Stole, mesmerizing Mink enjoyed a three-day run on the TV game show Scrabble, and came away with $15,000.

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Number 63
Barbi Benton
Deathstalker (1983)
(0:37)
Beaten, bound, and stripped to expose her bare breasts, Barbi gets manhandled by a couple of Medieval meatheads.

• From 1969 to 1977, the coolest possible time to be associated with anything Playboy-related, Barbi functioned as Hugh Hefner’s Official Licensed Girlfriend.

• Upon first seeing Deathstalker, 14-year-old McBeardo was amazed and dumbstruck by the impossible buoyancy of Barbi’s bosom. Only years later would I recognize them as breast implants, which were still rare circa ’83, and lament all those zillions of spermies that perished in vain. Oh, the empire I sacrificed!

• Deathstalker’s other noteworthy nude is Lana Clarkson, who went on to rule two years later as Barbarian Queen, and then to be dethroned by a bullet in the mouth from Wall of Sound A-hole Phil Spector in 2003.

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Number 62
Emily Watson
Breaking the Waves (1996)
(1:26)
Attempting to lure a doctor into the sack with her, Emily lies on a bed completely bare, her biggish boobs bobbling high on her petite body, along with a modest puff of pubes just barely concealing her pretty labia.

• Emily’s performance in Breaking the Waves, as a married woman whose crippled husband gives her permission to become a waterfront prostitute, is powerful and, given the frequent nudity and unpleasantness that ultimately becomes of her body, impressively fearless.

• Waves director Lars Von Trier has proven to be one of the most irritating loudmouths in movies, as well as spewing out countless reels of unwatchably boring clap-trap. However, this Danish dick-lick can only be commended for getting Nicole Kidman to be sexually brutalized in Dogville (2003) and Bryce Dallas Howard to prove she’s a natural redhead in Manderlay (2005) - let alone the godless abominations that Charlotte Gainsbourg (Jane Birkin’s daughter) pulls off - literally - in the upcoming Antichrist (2009).

• Sometimes I mix up Emily with Samantha Morton. These two English cutie-pies boast similar builds, and I like them both, especially naked. How about you?

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Number 61
Brigitte Lahaie
The Grapes of Death (1978)
(0:59)
Bewitching blonde Brigitte sashays down an outdoor staircase and drops her white robe in the moonlight, thereby beguiling two male travelers – and the rest of us, too.

• Flawless French beauty Brigitte Lahaie stands as one of the most alluring figures not only in exploitation movies (including her hardcore work throughout the 1970s), but in all of cinema.

Her 15 non-penetrative nude film roles include Fascination (1979), Six Swedes on a Campus (1979), The Night of the Hunted (1980), Come Play With Me 2 (1980), Paul Raymond’s Erotica (1981), Joy: Chapter II (1985), Le Diable Rose (1987), and even Henry & June (1990) where she plays “Henry’s Whore”.

Each of these titles boasts a cult of its own, and none of that would be possible without the naked presence of Brigitte.

• Grapes of Death director Jean Rollin is a legend in the field of erotic horror. He specializes in lyrical bloodsuckers and dreamlike supernatural surrealism.

• Rollin not only helmed France’s first vampire film Le Viol du vampire (1968), The Grapes of Death is considered the country’s first gore movie. The fact that it also made a mainstream horror icon out of porn star Brigitte only renders these Grapes ever more delicious.

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And now numbers 60-51 loom. And I think Jewel Shepard’s coming up hard and fast, to boot(y).

Come on back on Thursday, July 2, 2009 for our next skinstallment.

In the meantime, leave a comment. Let me know what you think (and how I stink).

And peruse how far we’ve come:

Top 100 Cult Nude Scenes #100-91

Top 100 Cult Nude Scenes #90-81

Top 100 Cult Nude Scenes #80-71

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• « The Top 100 Cult Movie Nude Scenes of All Time: #80-71
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