The Top 100 Cult Movie Nude Scenes of All Time: #40-31

Celebrating the bare and the beautiful in movies weird, wondrous, and beloved by wackos.

Numbers 40 to 31.

Here tit is. The Top 40.

And I’m your Casey Kasem of ass-crack.

Join me now for another ten naked nubiles from all your favorite freaky-weirdy way-past-midnight groovy movies.

We’ve got the football field funbaggables of H.O.T.S., Blondie showing her brunetty, Joanna Cassidy’s replicant rack, Sylvia Kristel seducing a teenager and Lana Clarkson’s barbarian dairy queens.

In addition, there’s muses and maestros on parade: Mary Woronov and Paul Bartel, Soledad Miranda and Jess Franco, Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg, Russ Meyer and Kitten Natividad.

And, now, off with the clothes and on with the cuntdown….

Number 40

Angela Aames, Lindsay Bloom, Pamela Jean Bryant

H.O.T.S. (1979)

(1:34)

Our heroines repeatedly huddle during strip football, with a camera placed below them so their most precious equipment hangs down into perfect view.

• Throughout every major evolving point of home video, H.O.T.S. has led the way. It was one of the first cable classics, then a fixture at pioneering VHS (and even Betamax) rental stores, and Anchor Bay released it on DVD very early on.

• Aside from a nonstop parade of naked, natural-boobed dreamboats, the over-the-topless comedy of H.O.T.S. also incorporates Danny Bonaduce wearing silk scarves and jamming on electrical guitar, slapstick hoodlums, a bear who makes great (long, screen-time-killing) use of an above-ground backyard pool, and the ubiquitous Slinky the Seal.

• Much is made in the movie about what the acronym “H.O.T.S.” might stand for. Is it Hands Off Those Suckers? Help Out the Seals? In the movies final moments, our sorority heroines file out in cheerleader formation and reveal it to be an acronym of their leader’ names: Honey, O’Hara, Terri and Samantha.

• H.O.T.S. never generated a bona fide sequel, but it proved to be such a potent brand name that The Swinging Cheerleaders (1974) got a cheapie VHS re-release under the title H.O.T.S. II and Revenge of the Cheeleaders (1976) did the same with the moniker H.O.T.S. III.

Both those films feature McBeardo’s all-time favorite movie star, Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith.

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Number 39

Deborah Harry

Videodrome (1983)

(0:16)

After burning her own tit with a cigarette (then taking a puff), Debbie does the deed with James Woods and he pierces her ear with a long pin, mid-penile-penetration.

As the lead singer of Blondie, Debbie Harry ruled as the biggest female rock star in the world. Her transition to movie acting was not so smooth.

Debbie initially co-starred with Pat Benatar in the seldom scene New Jersey noir Union City (1980), then bombed in Roadie (1980) – where she and her Blondie bandmates clown it up in failed Monkees fashion.

Her performance in Videodrome, then, was, in every sense, a revelation.

• As daring as the Debbie’s kinky pain moments are here, bear in mind that pre-Blondie, she modeled for nude art photos and hustled cocktails as a Playboy bunny.

To my mind, Videodrome is sci-fi/horror visionary David Cronenberg’s masterpiece.

It is a tale of televised entertainment so perverse that anyone who willingly watched it is undoubtedly a criminal and worthy of execution – which could be accomplished via death-ray broadcast.

That is some heavy, heady stuff, powerfully written and directed, and anchored by James Woods’ Herculean performance in the lead role.

Amazingly (and hilariously), Cronenberg’s inspiration for Videodrome arose as he flipped on a hotel TV and caught Joe D’Amato’s notorious Emanuelle in America (1976).

Once again, luscious Laura Gemser reprises her titular girl reporter role but, despite the innocuous title, this “Black Emanuelle” installment rushes headlong into truly pitch black subject matter – snuff films – and pushes its depictions to unflinchingly grotesque extremes.

Think Saw or Hostel are “torture porn”? Oh, heavens, no. This, here, is it.

Hard penises get visibly thrust into all manner of body cavities (some freshly rendered by cutting apparatuses), a few unfortunates are forced to drink molten steel in a bit that will leave you sucking ice cubes for hours, and an anonymous lovely really does whack off a horse right there on camera.

The Blue Underground DVD of Emanuelle in America is a must. Get it now so that, like David Cronenberg, you will never be able to un-see it.

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Number 38
Mary Woronov
Eating Raoul (1982)
Crazed Nam vet Ed Begley Jr. rips off Mary’s hippie blouse and attempts to rape her. Raoul intervenes, strangling Begley. Bare-bosomed Mary eases back and observes the aftermath

• Mary is the only actress to appear on this list three times. First, at #91, during her lesbian bath with Lynn Lowry in Sugar Cookies (1973) and again, at #49, as she’s massaged nude next to Roberta Collins in Death Race 2000 (1975).

Given that level of consistency, and her importance in the realm of cultdom, Mary warranted an entry of her own. Eating Raoul is arguably her best-known movie, and this is the best look we get at her lanky body and lovely, upturned schnoobs.

• Despite – or perhaps even because of – actor and filmmaker Paul Bartel’s combustively flaming homosexuality, dykey-sexy bitch-goddess Mary served as his muse.

Bartel directed Mary in Death Race and Raoul, as well as Cannonball (1976) and Scenes From the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills (1989).

The pair also appeared together in 18 projects, including Hollywood Boulevard (1976), Rock-N-Roll High School (1979), Heartbeeps (1981), Get Crazy (1983), and Mortuary Academy (1988).

Most amusingly, Paul and Mary reprise their Eating Raoul characters, Mr. and Mrs. Bland, in the opening moments of Chopping Mall (1986) aka Killbots.

• In 2000, a live musical version of Eating Raoul premiered at London’s Bridewell Theater, and then played Off-Broadway in New York.

I didn’t see it. Did you?

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Number 37
Soledad Miranda
Vampyros Lesbos (1970)
(0:51)Blonde Ewa Stromberg opens Soledad’s nightgown, revealing the brunette bloodsucker’s succulent nips and lush bush, then she mouths her all over.

• The great haunted, haunting beauty of Gothic European horror – her first name even translates as “loneliness” – Soledad Miranda began professionally dancing at age eight, and transitioned to film acting at 16.

She appeared in more than 30 titles between 1960 and 1970, many for mad Spanish director Jesus Franco, including Count Dracula, Nightmares Come at Night, She Killed in Ecstasy and, of course, Vampyros Lesbos.

Then, on August 18, 1970, with her star on the rise, Soledad Miranda died when her car collided with a truck. She had recently turned 27.

• In Vampyros Lesbos, Soledad plays Countess Nadine Carody, who lures real estate agent Ewa Stromberg to her sunny seaside manse by appearing in a recurring series of the Swedish blonde’s sexy dreams.

The Countess certainly seems to be a vampire, but we also get to eyeball her laying out for a tan in the noonday heat.

Soledad is so ethereally seductive, we don’t even question everything we all know about bloodsucker lure.

• As trippy and color-drenched as the visuals are in Vampyros Lesbos, it’s ultra-groovy, organ-heavy soundtrack by Manfred Hübler and Siegfried Schwab also garnered a cult following of its own that easily rivals the movie itself.

Quentin Tarantino even snatched a bit of Vampyros Lesbos’ score and used it in Jackie Brown (1997).

• In the cult movie canon, Lesbian Vampires loom almost as prominently as Women in Prison and Rape & Revenge.

Other classic lesbian vampire movie sex combos include Leslie Gilb and Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith in Lemora (1974), Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve in The Hunger (1983); Delphine Seyrig, Daniele Ouimet, and Andrea Rau in Daughters of Darkness (1971); Diane LeFanu and Sherry Miles in The Velvet Vampire (1971); Marianne Morris and Anulka in Vampyres (1974); and Alyssa Milano and Charlotte Lewis in Embrace of the Vampire (1995).

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Number 36
Kitten Natividad
Up! (1976)
(0:03)

Kitten goes out on a limb, literally, to narrate Russ Meyer’s most madcap comedy as she stands nude in a tree.

• As the Greek Chorus in this Roger Ebert co-written romp, naked Kitten introduces herself from on high by announcing: “Buenos dias! I am your greek chorus, the cacophony of carnality, the embodiment of the body. Now, come! Come! Take my hand and, if you dare” – she parts her thighs for a close-up on her fluffy muff – “sheathe your sword to its hilt!”

• After starring in Russ Meyer’s Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens (1979), Kitten left her husband for a romantic relationship with the funbag-fixated filmmaker.

They remained a couple, although not exclusive to one another (or, considering Kitten, two another) for the next 15 years.

• Kitten toured for decades as an A-list exotic dancer, performing her trademark bubble bath strip routine all over the planet.

In August 1986, Youngman McBeardo caught Kitten sudsing her suckables at Show World’s legendary Triple Treat Theater in Times Square.

She recreates this on-stage see-through bathtub performance in several films, including The Wild Life (1984) and Takin’ It All Off (1987).

• The wobbling whoppers in the tight top and the bare breasts that appear out of nowhere in the comedy classic Airplane! (1980) both belong to Kitten Natividad.

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Number 35
Joanna Cassidy
Blade Runner (1982)
(0:54)

Robot-hunter Harrison Ford confronts stripper Joanna backstage at her nudie club, where she showers and then attempts to strangle him.

• Joanna’s Blade baring stands as one of the all-time most gloriously frustrating nude reveals.

Director Ridley Scott’s camera cuts off just above Joanna’s nipples during her long conversation with Ford. You will literally shout “Lower! Lower!” at the screen as you watch – or at least that’s what I did.

Scott makes (t)it worth the wait, though, as we then see Joanna not only topless, but running, jumping, choking, and generally causing mayhem as her naked knockers bounce to-and-fro.

• Joanna followed Blade Runner with the cult sitcom Buffalo Bill, in which Dabney Coleman hilariously portrayed the world’s meanest television talk show host. She won a Golden Globe for her work there.

Before he died in 1997, NBC president Brandon Tartikoff stated that his biggest professional regret was canceling Buffalo Bill.

• In 1980, Joanna co-starred in Roger Vadim’s wretchedly shitty Night Games, through which the French svengali intended to do for Cindy Pickett what he had done previously for Brigitte Bardot, Catherine Deneuve, and Jane Fonda – create an instant, indelible sexpot superstar.

Read that name again: Cindy Pickett. Ring your bells? You can tell how well Night Games worked out.

However, the movie does also provide us with Joanna Cassidy’s casabas, caboose, and cooze as she and Cindy nude sunbathe.

Sadly, Joanna’s career seemed to falter in the mid-80s, but she did give us one more sweet look at her thick nips in The Fourth Protocol (1987).

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Number 34
Jane Birkin
Je T’aime … Moi Non Plus (1976)

Jane floats down river in an inner tube with Joe Dallesandro, pointing her too-perfect-to-be-believed posterior straight at the camera. She then washes ashore to show off her massive lap-through and fantastically breastless chest’s superhumanly long, thick, and drool-inducing nipples.

• Swinging London fashion sensation Jane Birkin famously provided muse services to multitalented French star Serge Gainsbourg.

The paradoxical title Je T’aime … Moi Non Plus (“I Love You … Me Neither”) comes from their smash hit 1969 song collaboration, which Serge composed and where Jane vocalizes in unforgettably orgasmic fashion (Serge’s ex actually recorded a version of the song earlier. That was Brigitte Bardot … is it just me, or do the same freakin’ names keep coming up over and over again?).

As a couple, Birkin and Gainsbourg were on and off for many years, although she cared passionately about him until his death in 1991.

They have a daughter, Charlotte Gainsbourg, who is now a marvelous naked star in her own right.

• The movie version of Je T’aime is a genuine head-scratcher and wang-puller all at once.

Jane portrays a roadside diner waitress whose impeccably concave chest and short haircut get her mistaken to be a boy by a homosexual truck driver portrayed by Andy Warhol’s favorite bohunk, Joe Dallesandro.

Despite his commitment to cock-and-balls, Joe finds Jane irresistible, although he makes sure that when they do finally make sex, it’s violent, grunting, and in the butt.

This unexpected spelink straightness sends Trucker Joe’s boyfriend into a rage, so the jealous queen attacks Jane in the bath, nearly suffocating with in a plastic bag and beating her up in a scene straight out of a (particulary effective) slasher movie.

She lives to be ambiguous again and the fellas truck away together, but nobody’s happy.

• Ask McBeardo to name the two most sexually desirable women in movie history and the answer is: Jane Birkin and Uschi Digard.

Just look at Jane’s nipples.

Just look at Jane’s nipples.

Just look at Jane’s nipples.

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Number 33
Lana Clarkson
Barbarian Queen (1985)

At the hands of a mad scientist – including a weird, silver artificial one dangling from the ceiling – bare-breasted Lana is strapped to a rack and tortured more torridly.

On February 3, 2003, actress-model-turned-restaurant-hostess Lana Clarkson went home with Wall of Sound music producer/freaky ghoul Phil Spector. He shot in the mouth until she was dead.

Lana and Barbarian Queen would appear on this list even if she were still alive, but I wanted to get that out of the way right up-front.

I’d also like to express genuine disgust and hope for an after-hours apertif invitation that ends with a similar pay-off to all those who defend Spector on this incident – especially when they bring up the possibility (or actual likelihood) that Lana was being paid for her presence.

Prostitution as a capital offense? Go suck a bullet.

• Lana’s cult filmography will live forever, even beyond BQ and its sequel Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back (1987).

She debuted as the double-take-inducing hot wife of science-wacko Mr. Vargas (Vincent Schiavelli) in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982), then went on to Deathstalker (1983), Scarface (1983), Amazon Women on the Moon (1987), The Haunting of Morella (1990), and Vice Girls (1996).

• Lana kept her large, luscious breasts completely natural until her untimely end.

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Number 32
Sylvia Kristel
Private Lessons (1981)
(0:32)

Live-in French tutor Sylvia strips to reveal T&A for her teenage charge, Phillie (real-life 17-year-old Eric Brown).

• Dutch treat Sylvia Kristel became an international sex goddess by appearing as the titular naïf in the global blockbuster Emmanuelle (1974).

She reprised the character in three sequels, and also starred – ragingly naked in the cult-adorned Lady Chatterley’s Lover (1981), Mata Hari (1985), The Big Bet (1985), and Red Heat (1985), along with 18 other movies.

So, with so much to choose from, why single out Private Lessons?

Because Private Lessons is the damndest, and maybe even the best, of the bunch.

• Private Lessons is adapted from the novel Philly by Dan Greenburg.

Both movie and book contain the same essential plot – a rich father hires a sexy French tutor for his spoiled son Philly, she seduces the kid, and then fakes her death as part of an extortion scheme in cahoots with the family’s limo driver.

But whereas Private Lessons turns this material into a rollicking teen romp, the source novel is a straight-up thriller that veers into horror. Its cover line is even: “A Modern Tale of the Macabre!”

Who knows what the filmmakers were smoking when they turned that book into this movie?

Oh, yeah, Howard Hesseman plays the limo driver – so it was pot.

They were smoking pot.

• Private Lessons packed audiences in at theaters and, dollar for dollar, turned out to be the most profitable film of 1981.

And even though Emmanuelle played all over throughout the ’70s – even running continuously for three years in one Paris theater – Private Lessons is the only Sylvia Kristel movie that remains in rotation on cable TV a decade deep into the 21^st century.

Maybe it’s the sex scenes with the very young-looking Eric Brown, which could never be made today.

Maybe it’s the hilarious supporting work by chub-a-lub Patrick Piccininni as Philly’s wisecracking eye-tie best friend.

Maybe it’s the soundtrack’s repeated (and repeated and repeated) playing of “Fantasy” by Earth, Wind, and Fire and “I Need a Lover” by John Cougar Mellonhead.

I’m sure it’s all that and more. Way more.

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Number 31
Kelly Lynch
Road House (1989)
(1:04)

Kelly gets out of bed naked funbags-first, then walks bare-assed to join Patrick Swayze on the back porch.

• As with so many cult phenomena, upon its initial release, Road House flopped. Big time.

Fans of Dirty Dancing (1987) were expecting an oozy romantic follow-up with newly minted superstar leading man Patrick Swayze and, frankly, no one was expecting what Road House actually turned out to be.

How could we?

This is a one-of-a-kind blast of martial arts mayhem, redneck rage, Biblically-proportioned destruction of property, and high philosophy that comes on like a nonstop army assault of roundhouse kicks delivered from bare-footed Billy Jack if he had never actually stopped going “berrr-ZERRRRK!!!!”

Plus Sam Elliot, Sam Elliot’s mustache, Ben Gazarra, blind Jeff Healey, and naked Kelly Lynch.

Once it hit video and endless replays on cable, anyone who has ever seen Road House has immediately become a fan for life.

For the past 10 years or so, Road House has continued to play theaters as a popular midnight movie.

In fact, from the dawn of the DVD format to its final special edition release, MGM reported that Road House was its most requested title, and continues to rank among its all-time best-selling.

• I never want to downplay my respect for any actress who gets naked in any film, anywhere, but I am, and have always been, violently opposed to breast implants.

Kelly Lynch provides excellent evidence as to why with her full-frontal scene in Warm Summer Rain (1989).

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So there’s those.

Tune in on Tuesday, July 14, 2009 for Numbers 30-21.

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